i went to work with my mom today and then we went and got sushi and then we went shopping...and you know what ....i bought my own clothes..

i appreciate stuff so much more now that i have my own money that i am spending and i am working my ass off damnit...lol not really i watch my brother, paint, clean the house, cook, run to the store...okay maybe i earn my money. its not much just 100 dollars aweek but i am doing it.

i spent 90 dollars on clothes some of it from last week and some from this week so now i have 40 dollars left to save. great. but i got three kickass dresses and so friggin awesome shoes that make my legs look like the shit!

well my bathroom is being worked on at the moment and i haven't had a shower in 4 days. sure i rinsed off with the hose the other day but um lets face it...i am gross. my legs are pine trees and i might as well walk around with my hands in the air because of my arm pits.

i have one clean pair of under wear and i have gone two days without wearing pants. life is good. yeah its because i am doing the laundry right now but why the hell would i spend so much time on clean clothes when i am thoroughly disgusting..? oh well. i will have clothes and a shower soon enough.i would feel embarrassed but obviously i am not because i am posting this.

i have again reached another point of acceptance with myself. i could have sasquatch legs and my uncles eyebrows (eek) and it would be okay. i like me. and thats cool. it doesn't change the fact that i want a boyfriend or at least a guy to have a crazy makeout session with. yeah forgive me...i am feeling so open with my sexuality right now because i just watched this show called talk sex where this old woman answers really weird questions and doesn't make people feel strange. at least i don't need a deusch to get rid of month old banana in unsightly crevices, wow that was really gross and uncalled for. yeah well there are so many freaks out there and if somebody wants to think i am one of tehn because i know what i want/ need. think what you want. lol god i am so weird. i surprise myself sometimes.

i have been cooking everything in the house just so i can watch people eating it. i am a really good cook damnit...pants or not. i cooked so much i am so surprised i haven't gained more than i have. one of the overweight ladies who worked the fitting rooms was so sweet and when i complained that some dress gave me back cleavage she said, "honey, its aaaalways good to have a little fat on your bones that way you know you ain't anorexic like." and i smiled and said yes ma'am thank you. yeah and i got the dress.

yeah another change in the topic
okay well i know that somewhere i am ready to get out of high school and escape from all of this melodramatic scene that is played everyday but the other part of me screams, "slow down...enjoy it while you can. your time will come soon enough and proably too soon. 2 years" its exciting and nerve racking at the same time. oh and hers my analogy of high school life. its kind of like in a play or musical if you will. at that time you throw everything into it, your time, talents, gifts, heart, mind, and body...and then in an instant the curtains close and its over. bright lights still shine in your eyes as half remembering onlookers file out of yourtheatre. and God knows it was all worth it. these are probably the most trying and growthful years of our lives and we are adjusting to our surrounding and to each other and m ostly to ourselves. acceptance is really hard. there are so many flaws that we find. kind of like when i played back the no no nanetter dvd, i would think, "oh lord...if i had ljust added that one shuffle, shook just a little harder or said that this way i would have gotten more laughs!" but ican't change it now...just remember what i know now and take it to the next show knowing that i am my own worst critic and that they loved it. and even if they didn't i did! you put in so much and i guess teh selflessnenss of working for your fun and the joy of making people laugh, or cry, or kmowing that you touched that one person..that one shy little girl 11th row center who giggled and pointed and whispered to their mommy how much they want to do what you did. now this is not all about the show and i am sure you understand that. if we could all just reach a little farther...dance a little longer and know that the tiredness we feel just get better. I am so excited about my future and all of our futures. My momma use to and still always says, "girl, your future is so bright you need to wear shades" I even understand now why she doesn't hound me about my grades or how well i did at this that or the other because she wants me to be a good person first and foremost...and that is probably the hardest task that she , myself, or God could ever place in front of me. I want to be a better person...but their is so much else that I want, I want to sing, perform, do art, have the biggest library, etc. but you know what thats not whats important.maybe one day i will get my wish. or maybe its just a dream either way whatever God has in store for me is going to be great and exactly what i need. I hope i get there. so i guess my big point is that (i know that it sounds cheesy but its true) my future is starting now. but even the mundane things. even high school dramas are preparing me for whats ahead and i will be aware of my lessons.

and i challenge all of you to be better. love deeper, see truer, laugh longer, feel more, and just let go and let God.